How Can They and I Cant? Potty Blues

Two years old and we are in full potty training mode. When I first had my daughter I heard about how easy girls were at potty training. I roll with a super overachieving proactive crowd, so I heard stories of friend's kids being potty trained at 18 months and I was like "whoa" is that what we are up against?

When my daughter turned 2, I was on a mission to have her talking in full 20 word sentences, potty trained, reading Thoreau, and speaking 7 foreign languages...okay really only 3. So here we are closing in on 3 years old, she is progressing nicely. She is doing well on her 3 languages, reading Rainbow Fish, and the potty issue has become more complex than I could have EVER imagined. Someone please explain to me the 'Public" vs. "Private" potty distinction. This little girl can go to a restaurant and clearly state that she has to use the bathroom. Use the facilities and wash her hands. She is enamored with motion activated fixtures. When we are home, NOTHING!! She will go and sit in a wet Pull Up or panty and clothes forever if I allow it. Its the craziest thing.

At school, they have this regimented approach to training and I respect it. The children become accustom to hearing a bell at certain times and they know at that point they must go to the bathroom. Quite Pavlovian for my tastes but in less than 2 days my daughter already has a new level of respect for panties, going to the potty on cue, verbalizing at home the need to go, and the desire to not be wet. TWO DAYS!!!  Meanwhile, I made this fabulous potty chart, she pulled the stickers off and ripped it off the wall. For months we woke up and went directly to the bathroom, established a routine. That routine has since become me sitting on the toilet while she performs for me. Am I not the worst mother!!!!

You can either stress out on this stuff or let it happen as it will. I choose the later because left up to me the girl would be 19 years old in Pull Ups dancing while I pull my Depends up!!!!! Yikes!

Cheers

First Day Blues- Pt. Duex, My Daughter Is Racist?

Last installment I talked about my daughter moving to a new school. So here is the interesting part, as we sat there, and she was crying beyond belief I tried to analyze this reaction. When we, initially, visited the school she was very outgoing and adapted to the environment very well. So I figured if we ever needed to leave her school it would be a good fit. Well due to circumstances, we had to change schools.

Her first school was an oasis of light, wonderful families, very culturally diverse student body. She felt safe and nurtured in that school and aesthetically the place worked for us. It is a very nice school. My daughter, clearly, loved it. But very few of her teachers looked like her. In our home I make it a point to have books, art, any kind of visual stimuli to enforce who she is and her heritage. She is a black girl in a world that does not look favorably upon us at all. Its my job to make her proud of who she is and where she comes from. Sounds good! There are so many exterior influences are working against my efforts. 

Often I wonder where this multicultural approach is taking our children. Until now, my daughter's primary teachers were mostly Latinas. She has extra curricular activities taught by Caucasians. Friends that she loves of all different ethnic backgrounds, lessons in Mandarin taught by Chinese teachers. She was immerse in a Euro-based "majority" assimilation based school environment. 'The Wheels on the train go round and round"... What must my child think of her surrounding world? She is growing up in traditionally African American based Bed Stuy but her Bed Stuy is starkly different than mine! Ironically, her school was not reflecting much of her own culture at all.

As we sat, she cried in fear, I asked her soothing questions to discern how to give her comfort."Do you want to sit with the other kids at the table?" "No!"; "Do you want some apple" "No!"; I looked around and the school continued in session, basically continuing the daily routine despite the wailing child. I observed the teachers care for all of these small children in so many ways. Caring, nurturing, and showing a lot of love to so many children. 

Then I thought about it, this school was different in very stark ways than what my daughter was used to. Teachers that looked like her, with a significantly different style and approach to the kids. I continued, "Do you want the girls to sing to you?" Now her future classmates were really concerned about my daughter and her disruptive behavior they were willing to sing to her. "Yes they can sing Mommy"- I suggest that a few of the girls sing a song to help my daughter calm down. "To the tune of the them of Spider Man, the children sang "Kwanzaa Man...."- My daughter wails!!!! Basically in her own toddler WTH fashion!!! So one very smart little girl begins to sing "Itsy bitsy Spider" and my daughter immediately calms down. 

Bless her heart, with all the teachers, African art and musical influences, the exuberant outburst of "Kwanzaa Man", I believe my child went into culture shock!  Honestly I know she is not a racist, but she came pretty damn close with her little judgmental self!!!

Cheers

First Day Blues

My almost 3 year old started her second new school. She has been in school for a year but today was like Day 1 all over again. The interesting part of today was I watched her go through the emotional changes. She was cool when she walked in but a little reserved. Usually going to school is an exciting morning of singing songs in the car, talking about the teachers, classmates, and the proposed activities for the day. Just an all around colorful morning. Today she was unseasonably morose. A bit resistant and cautious. So clearly her intuition (as usual) was right on point that something was up. The best thing about that is the right now she completely trusts her intuition and goes with it and now that I know this about her I will do whatever I can to support that in her.

Once we are in the school she became very seriously aware. Then she saw the teacher writing her name up on a board, I looked at her face, "it hit her" and she was no good. Tears and tears later, I began to doubt my decision. Should we run back to the old school and beg them to take her back. How do I fix this? Her teacher came over and with the kindest face said, "Mom she will be fine and its time for you to go." REALLY!!?! Go?!?! NOW!!!!!

One thing about maturing during an era of self awareness is that we make it a point to look for anything that may cause an "issue" later in life. Upon leaving I saw my child pull it together. She realized quickly this was inevitable and crying was a waste of time. Which is one of the things I love about her. At 2 she can rationalize what is and what is not working very quickly. When it was time to pick her up, she had fully adapted (another thing I truly love about her). She gave me the "report" on everything she did and the teachers and at that point, all was well with the world.

For over two years everyday has been a mix of joy and pain, confusion and elation. Motherhood is a most complicated journey! 

Secrets of The Dark

Social media allows us to have 24/7 access into the lives of family and friends. It has allowed me to peak intimately into the lives of people I was myself a child with and watch their children be born, grow and flourish. My own daughter is a "social media" baby, as I pretty much kept myself distracted during my 30 hour labor by posting and reading Facebook.

After perusing great family shots of special events and daily life, I wondered what goes on behind closed doors. What are the lives of people REALLY like? There are so many late nights where I realize the changes of my life as a result of becoming a mother and having to care for my family. Last Friday night the magnitude of being responsible for another person's life was a bit overwhelming for me and brought me to tears as my child lay sleeping peacefully next to me. "How am I going to keep this all going?" Private school, extra curricular classes, social events, travel, a beautiful home, food, heat...yes I tend to get very granular with my thoughts. Why did I not become a mother earlier so that I could both enjoy more time and better provide for my child. My mind flooded with insecurities, doubt and fear. These are the thoughts of inadequacy that prompt parents to abandon their families. 

Then after a very brief cry, and a drink of some water, I moved her over and laid down. Through deep breathing and listening to her sleeping breath I found peace (just when you feel like they shouldn't be sleeping in your bed anymore). My daughter has the amazing quality of stirring me up and calming me down all at once. Watching her sleep gave me peace and resolve. There is an unshakable faith we as mothers must always possess. The knowledge that no matter what you will make it work out for your child/ren. There will be many ups and downs in this journey. In the darkness, we all know our truth.

It is my contention that my life would not have played out the way it has if it weren't supposed to be this way. You are responsible for everything that happens to you in your life. Selfishness precluded me from having a child earlier in life. I am most grateful to have the clarity and patience to be able to give my child all that she needs and wants. I pray that we continue to have all the abundance and more that we enjoy daily. It will forever be my intention to provide her with the best life has to offer in its entirety. My wish is the same for you and yours!

Cheers

Chana

What You Choose To Expose Them To!

Something short and sweet! Today, we started Mandarin class for kids and I met the nicest mother. Its interesting what parents decide to expose their children to, that was the focus of our discussion. Here her son is 7 years old, clearly bi-racial, and he has already traveled the world extensively. He was extremely intelligent, well mannered and I found him to be a very caring little boy. He instantly went into "protect" mode with my daughter when the kid's finished class. His mother shared her background with me and I was so pleased to learn of the differences and commonalities in our child rearing experiences. 

As for my daughter, I had to lie to get her into the class. She is two and I told the school she is three because Lord knows the child acts like she is 25. I decided a long time ago that the "velcro" approach to throwing her into as much as I can and seeing what sticks is the direction we have to go in until we have more clear focus. Whatever needs to be done to expose her to the best education and activities is the focus we, as her parents, are committed to provide. So far I am enjoying watching my little "sponge" flourish in so many directions. We have made many viable friendships and she continues to learn and enrich her experience.Tomorrow we will be in art class!

I consider it an honor and a great omen that my daughter would start Chinese School on the Chinese New Year and that this is the Year of the Dragon! It all resonates deeply in her foundation as the great person I am grooming her to be. Zài Jiàn and good night!

Blessings

Loving All Mommies

As I sit, drive, do bath time, etc. I have been thinking about all the different mothers that I know and their respective journeys. This morning, the subject of adoption stuck out for me. My good friend Julie Young is a beautiful Korean American mother of amazing twins. She has shared her story and really shed a great deal of light on the issues surrounding adoption from such and intimate and personal perspective. Check out her journey on www.koreanamericanstory.org 

40plusbabies is about the sharing of motherhood. This experience that has completely changed our lives and how we navigate. In so many ways Julie's perspective as a mother and an adoptee highlights the love, commitment, the challenges and fortitude of this life's experience. Supporting her is a pleasure I am happy to share!

Enjoy!

2012 New Year, New Inspiration

Wow! Yes, its another wonderful year!! Mind you, the first month of 2012 is half over and I am just making the first post of the year. Chalk it up to busy mommidom! Okay so a brief recap of the last few months. My partner's daughter just celebrated her first birthday!  Happy Birthday Princess!!! Here is the most amazing part, as if turning "1" year old isnt enough, our miracle baby has breezed through the first year rather effortlessly. Her mother knows better than I, but as a close witness I have watched her blossom from an extremely tiny infant into a vibrant and robust baby girl! So proud of our 40plusbaby!!!

As for my shining star she is a world-wind at 2 years old. I simply refuse to get into the "oh she is 2 and a half now" of it all. That was so last year with the "she is 17 weeks". I dont remember being that mom, but who knows its possible that at one time I may have been that cheesy. My girl is running fast into 3 years old in a few months. She is awesome, intense, smart, and simply hilarious. I never knew a person could have this much personality before the age of 5, sin "Rudy Huxtable. If you are a friend and follow my Facebook posts you have first hand witness the antics, quips and great photographic accounts of my little "minion"!

The interesting part of this portion of the journey is the fierce independence we are both craving. She wants to do so many things on her own. I feel myself squeezing her tighter and tighter every chance I get because I see my baby growing so fast that I can't blink. As well, I am also catching glimpses of my old self. Getting a few more restful nights (this not being one of them) and feeling like I can get on back to who I am to a certain degree or explore who I have become more.

Not being one for a resolute approach, I am clear that given my age and the fact that it will continue to progress, I have a little one to keep up with. Thus the commitment to change my physical, mental and spiritual approach to it all is in progress. In an interview today I was asked "what motivates you?", my answer shocked even me. "Laziness!" I am so clear on the effects of being lazy, that I realize for the life I deserve; and to make sure my daughter doesn't inherit a century old lineage of being sedentary, laziness is not an option.

Socially, January means a new beginning. For this 40plusMommy it has to be about beginning new patterns and commitments. Kiss your babies for me!


Also check out my new sister-friend's amazing website for fabulous Moms!
www.thedivamommies.com


Cheers
Chana

A Very Good Read!

Here is an article that a very good friend is featured in (E. Lewis) talking about a topic that I am currently dealing with within my family. Check it out!


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/22/when-african-american-fat_n_976226.html?ref=hair-beauty

"Inspiration of the Day".... Moms take's a licking, but keep on TICKING !!!

Back On The Wire

Apparently we decided to take the summer off. Benita, being a mother to a little gorgeous newbie has done well keeping our space alive. My two and a half year older wears me out and I love it. The best thing about having a child as an "adult" is you get to rediscover the world again. So my latest attempt to renew myself for the purpose of being is good mother, is running. Mind you, prior to baby I was relatively active. However post baby (PB) I am a lazy Lima bean at best! So after 30 years, a jacked up knee and a baby at 40, I decided to take up running so that can I lose the weight and have the energy to run after my mini Energizer Bunny.


Having a preschooler in Brooklyn the most current obsession are:

-Where are we going to school?
-Do we go Private, Pulic, or Charter?
-How much are we going to have to pay?
-Which park should we go to tomorrow?
-How do I make today interesting without resorting to NickJr?


After 20+ years of education, I am happy to say this is what consumes me...What about you?